Depression Is A Bitch

I am a depressive.

My baseline mood tends to be subdued-but-stable, but mostly I'm kinda all over the place.

The only things I seem to be feeling right now? Profound apathy topped with anger and flavored with "fuck you". Which is okay, I guess, until someone inadvertently hits my rage button -- then I just unleash both barrels. And that's really not a good thing, because things get said -- things I don't mean -- and those things tend to be hurtful to others. Which makes me feel even worse, because I'm not a mean person at heart. So that adds a heaping helping of self-loathing to the mix, which is... really not good when you're already going into a depressive spiral.

Mostly, though, I just feel... blah. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I would rage about that, but I just don't have the energy for it. Hell, I don't have the motivation for it, either. Right now you could poke me repeatedly and just get a "meh" in response.

I wonder if there's a reason depression and apathy travel in a pair?

Maybe it's because depression just saps all your energy and strength, so you just... don't have the energy to give a shit.

Maybe I'm even more fucked up than I thought I was.

Why do I feel like this?

What if "stable" is as good as it gets?

I just want to be happy. I mean, like, really, truly, happy.

Everyone else seems to be happy... what's their secret?

Trying Out a New Thing

I'm trying out Windows Live Writer, a blogging program. IDK if it's going to be good, bad, or outright ugly, but this will be fun.

Searching for my Roots, Part 2

Wow.

I have to admit to still being a bit gobsmacked by this whole situation.


Not only have I found my birth mother, I've found an aunt, a grandmother, and three siblings.

Who'd have thought?

I've been communicating with my birthmum through Facebook, and it's a little strange just how similar we are. And the "cat thing" I have going? Apparently it's genetic, 'cuz she's a total cat person, too. We have fairly similar tastes in reading, though I tend more towards high fantasy and sci-fi with a smattering of romance (though I'm not above reading trashy novels -- sometimes a trashy novel is just the right thing! ^_^')

This is really exciting. A bit scary. But in a good way.

We're putting together a photo album for T., and I want to make the cover myself. Like, not a picture of me on the cover, but a piece of my own artwork. Something special.

But my first priority should be getting through the quarter. *sigh*

Searching for my Roots

I'm adopted.

In and of itself, not a big deal. I've bonded quite well with my family, and life... well... life has been the usual wild ride with ups, downs, crazy twists, and the occasional loop thrown in for giggles.


I just hit one of those loops, and it's a twisty-upside-down-and-backwards loop.

I've wondered, over the years, just where I came from, which of my birth-parents (and extended birth family) I take after, all that good stuff that most people never have to even think about. I've toyed with the idea of finding them. I've even hoped to find them.

So, heading into the search, I wasn't expecting much of anything. Really, I was fully expecting dead-ends and a big fat NOTHING at the end. I had hope, sure. But hope doesn't answer questions or put the missing pieces in the puzzle.

Two weeks later, after reaching out to a woman we thought might be my aunt... we've found them. We found my birth family.

I know, cue "shock" reaction. It gets weirder... and happier... and I feel like I'm starring in a Lifetime movie-of-the-week, here, with all this everything-working-out-in-the-end happy shit going on.

T. (my birth-mum) wants to get/stay in touch with me!

*sits down*

How am I supposed to deal with this?

Do I want to have contact with my ever-expanding family? YES!

Am I prepared for the potential emotional fallout? Notsomuch. And I don't wanna go stepping on toes and opening old wounds, either.

Honestly, I guess I'm just scared shitless, and have a big fat case of the "What Ifs".

And the fact that I'm still waiting for it all to sink in is not helping matters at all.

Paging Rod Serling...

Winter Quarter, Here We Go

After passing my classes fall quarter, I'm back for more punishment. So far, it's been easy -- for one course, there is <i>no book</i>, and the other one... well... I'll find out Wednesday night. I'm hoping for another "no book" course. *fingers crossed* Or at the least, a <i>cheap</i> book.

Fuck Winter

Seriously, can winter just be OVER, now? PLEASE? I've had enough ice and snow and cold to last a lifetime. The motorized chair simply cannot handle this shit!

Hell, I couldn't even get to my evening class on Monday, thanks to this stupid Arctic wind. And I LOVE this class! I wanted to go! It's almost the highlight of my week! I actually look forward to Monday and Wednesday evenings, for reasons other than TV programming, now.

*sigh*

I'm SO over this below-freezing weather. I just want to get outside and DO something. Even if it's just trekking over to Walgreen's for munchies. It's literally too cold to BREATHE out there!

Guess it's time to just cocoon myself in blankets and wait it out. -.-;

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

Fascinating. I mean, really, fascinating!

I'm about 50-50, emotionally, and 25-75 physically.