Depression Is A Bitch

I am a depressive.

My baseline mood tends to be subdued-but-stable, but mostly I'm kinda all over the place.

The only things I seem to be feeling right now? Profound apathy topped with anger and flavored with "fuck you". Which is okay, I guess, until someone inadvertently hits my rage button -- then I just unleash both barrels. And that's really not a good thing, because things get said -- things I don't mean -- and those things tend to be hurtful to others. Which makes me feel even worse, because I'm not a mean person at heart. So that adds a heaping helping of self-loathing to the mix, which is... really not good when you're already going into a depressive spiral.

Mostly, though, I just feel... blah. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I would rage about that, but I just don't have the energy for it. Hell, I don't have the motivation for it, either. Right now you could poke me repeatedly and just get a "meh" in response.

I wonder if there's a reason depression and apathy travel in a pair?

Maybe it's because depression just saps all your energy and strength, so you just... don't have the energy to give a shit.

Maybe I'm even more fucked up than I thought I was.

Why do I feel like this?

What if "stable" is as good as it gets?

I just want to be happy. I mean, like, really, truly, happy.

Everyone else seems to be happy... what's their secret?

Fuck Winter

Seriously, can winter just be OVER, now? PLEASE? I've had enough ice and snow and cold to last a lifetime. The motorized chair simply cannot handle this shit!

Hell, I couldn't even get to my evening class on Monday, thanks to this stupid Arctic wind. And I LOVE this class! I wanted to go! It's almost the highlight of my week! I actually look forward to Monday and Wednesday evenings, for reasons other than TV programming, now.

*sigh*

I'm SO over this below-freezing weather. I just want to get outside and DO something. Even if it's just trekking over to Walgreen's for munchies. It's literally too cold to BREATHE out there!

Guess it's time to just cocoon myself in blankets and wait it out. -.-;

Blah. Just... Blah.

Blech. I feel like I'm coming down with something.