Depression Is A Bitch

I am a depressive.

My baseline mood tends to be subdued-but-stable, but mostly I'm kinda all over the place.

The only things I seem to be feeling right now? Profound apathy topped with anger and flavored with "fuck you". Which is okay, I guess, until someone inadvertently hits my rage button -- then I just unleash both barrels. And that's really not a good thing, because things get said -- things I don't mean -- and those things tend to be hurtful to others. Which makes me feel even worse, because I'm not a mean person at heart. So that adds a heaping helping of self-loathing to the mix, which is... really not good when you're already going into a depressive spiral.

Mostly, though, I just feel... blah. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I would rage about that, but I just don't have the energy for it. Hell, I don't have the motivation for it, either. Right now you could poke me repeatedly and just get a "meh" in response.

I wonder if there's a reason depression and apathy travel in a pair?

Maybe it's because depression just saps all your energy and strength, so you just... don't have the energy to give a shit.

Maybe I'm even more fucked up than I thought I was.

Why do I feel like this?

What if "stable" is as good as it gets?

I just want to be happy. I mean, like, really, truly, happy.

Everyone else seems to be happy... what's their secret?

Whoa. Just... whoa.

Part of what triggered this episode is the Garrido case. The other part was this conversation at Change.org.

I'm in the process of getting help, and hoping that I can return to some semblance of normalcy -- whatever that is -- soon.

Overthinking

I think I'm overthinking this whole school thing and psyching myself out of just doing it.

Sometimes I hate being a compulsive worrier.

I need to suck it up, and just do it.

I mean, isn't life all about facing your fears, and proving, if only to yourself, that they're stupid silly fears?

ETA: Apparently, I should just stop thinking.