Searching for my Roots, Part 2

Wow.

I have to admit to still being a bit gobsmacked by this whole situation.


Not only have I found my birth mother, I've found an aunt, a grandmother, and three siblings.

Who'd have thought?

I've been communicating with my birthmum through Facebook, and it's a little strange just how similar we are. And the "cat thing" I have going? Apparently it's genetic, 'cuz she's a total cat person, too. We have fairly similar tastes in reading, though I tend more towards high fantasy and sci-fi with a smattering of romance (though I'm not above reading trashy novels -- sometimes a trashy novel is just the right thing! ^_^')

This is really exciting. A bit scary. But in a good way.

We're putting together a photo album for T., and I want to make the cover myself. Like, not a picture of me on the cover, but a piece of my own artwork. Something special.

But my first priority should be getting through the quarter. *sigh*

Searching for my Roots

I'm adopted.

In and of itself, not a big deal. I've bonded quite well with my family, and life... well... life has been the usual wild ride with ups, downs, crazy twists, and the occasional loop thrown in for giggles.


I just hit one of those loops, and it's a twisty-upside-down-and-backwards loop.

I've wondered, over the years, just where I came from, which of my birth-parents (and extended birth family) I take after, all that good stuff that most people never have to even think about. I've toyed with the idea of finding them. I've even hoped to find them.

So, heading into the search, I wasn't expecting much of anything. Really, I was fully expecting dead-ends and a big fat NOTHING at the end. I had hope, sure. But hope doesn't answer questions or put the missing pieces in the puzzle.

Two weeks later, after reaching out to a woman we thought might be my aunt... we've found them. We found my birth family.

I know, cue "shock" reaction. It gets weirder... and happier... and I feel like I'm starring in a Lifetime movie-of-the-week, here, with all this everything-working-out-in-the-end happy shit going on.

T. (my birth-mum) wants to get/stay in touch with me!

*sits down*

How am I supposed to deal with this?

Do I want to have contact with my ever-expanding family? YES!

Am I prepared for the potential emotional fallout? Notsomuch. And I don't wanna go stepping on toes and opening old wounds, either.

Honestly, I guess I'm just scared shitless, and have a big fat case of the "What Ifs".

And the fact that I'm still waiting for it all to sink in is not helping matters at all.

Paging Rod Serling...

Back To School, Part 1

So it's back to school for me, aiming for a Paralegal degree this time, and I'm actually kinda excited about it.

Classes start tomorrow, the 21st, I've got my books, supplies, everything, ready to go. I'm prepared. I've done this before.

So why am I so damn nervous?

Oh. Holy HELL.

So I had the gallbladder surgery last Friday. Here's what I've learned:

Laparoscopic surgery, though the "less invasive" way to do it, is still surgery, and STILL FUCKING HURTS.

I bruise easily. VERY easily. Pictures would probably be over-share.

Even "small" bruises can hurt BIG.

Cats will ALWAYS steal your pillow. Or take up the whole bed. Or poke you in the side, right in one of the bruises.

Gracie is a morning person. I hate morning people. I hate mornings. Hell, I barely do "daylight hours". It's not fun waking up to a happy, overly enthusiastic, loud-enough-to-wake-the-dead "MEOW" at 7:00 AM. And startle badly enough to jump about three feet. And experience pain on a whole NEW level.

Vicodin is a fucking godsend. I don't particularly like opiates, but they ARE effective painkillers, and I DO like that. I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain, and the worse the pain, the quieter I get. Seriously, we're in "flat 'ow'" territory. (Related to the "Flat What") Plus... yeah, I'm a bit loopy. But that may just be that I'm dead tired.

I have to go back in on June 3d, for removal of about six gallstones that "escaped" into the duct. Should be simple, no-fuss procedure.

Anyway, I'm about ready to just lie down and go to sleep. I had a very busy day, and I'm just completely wiped out. But, every day, the pain is just a little... less, and moving around gets a little easier.

I should be back up and running by the first. I hope.

Busy Week Was BUSY!

Holy shit, it's been a while!

On Friday the 5th, we had a... well... just... see for yourself. I woke up to gunshots that morning. (Update: it was, indeed, a murder-suicide.)

That was the same day Ian came up for the weekend -- which was very much fun, and very much tiring. In a good way.

I spent Tuesday in bed -- no, no, get your mind out of the gutter, I was sleeping!

Wednesday, I went with Paul and saw Avatar. Fucking AWESOME movie, and quite frankly, I enjoyed seeing a movie that pushed the idea of all life being interconnected, and showed just how destructive Human ways are. Seriously, we need to be more like the Na'vi, and learn to live WITH the planet, and not live OFF it. (But that's a rant for later. ^_^)

Thursday night I went to see Cheech & Chong "Get It Legal" -- hilarious! But there must have been something in the air, because all I remember is Chong going on a riff about cats, stoner cats, and how you can tell they're fucked up. (Hint: If you throw the cat at the curtains, and it doesn't stick, it's stoned.)

On a side C&C note, I swear at least one of them was sparking up backstage -- I could SMELL it.

Friday, I stayed home.

Saturday, yeah... you guessed it. I stayed home. Liz dropped by, and we went and visited my parents and OMG, Gracie just LOVES Liz's nails! (Not that I'm surprised.) Chatted into the small hours with Ian.

Sunday. Valentine's day. Dammit, now that I have a mate, why does he have to be in Seattle?! I can think of several things I'd like to be doing right now, but they're all couple-y things. *sigh* I'm going to go eat ice cream and mope.

Oh, and in honor of the holiday:

Life is Interesting, Part Two

So you'll remember I posted about Ian a while back. And if you follow my facebook you'll know we're together. Yes, as in "in a serious relationship". Well, what you don't know is that there's a huge history here.

I am completely head-over-heels for him. And I have been for 12 years, most of which was spent in total denial. (Go, me.)

And I've been thinking. I'm not one to ascribe things to "fate" or "destiny". I prefer logical explanations, hell, I'll even accept "coincidence" over "meant to be". But this? This is way too perfect to be anything but fate or destiny. And that kinda scares me.

Okay. It really scares me.

Not because he's, like, perfect for me. Not because this is moving kinda fast. And not because the pieces are all falling in to place.

But because I'm actually feeling something. Well... other than numb, that is. I'm feeling things I haven't felt in a very long time -- since before The Jackass, actually. And it scares the living hell out of me that I'm capable of this depth of emotion.

Total love and acceptance. Not only am I feeling this way, he's... very much loving and accepting of me as I am.

Why does this scare me so much?

After dealing with The Jackass, and the abuse, after everything I've seen, why does this scare me?

New Medication Regime

Wow, so it finally happened.

We're slowly increasing the buspirone, with a goal of 10 mg twice a day, and I've already noticed I'm less anxious. The Test, of course, comes at the next big family gatherum -- if I can get through it without trying to kill Kyle, we know the meds are working.

We added Concerta, an extended-release form of ritalin. Today is day two of that, and I've noticed that I'm [i]focusing[/i] on things, where I couldn't before. Yeah, even things I'm interested in. It feels good to have an attention span.

I feel... good.

Oh. My. God.

So I met this guy on the 'net a few months back, and we met face to face yesterday -- the chemistry, to say the least, is very, very good.

For the first time in, like, forever, I actually feel attractive.

We hooked up again today, and holy FUCK, not only is he nice, attractive, and a gamer geek -- he has STAMINA! (wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?) I'm going to go take a well-earned nap, now. *tired smile*

Things You Don't Think About #1 - Family Medical History

I had my psych intake today, and it went well. I was bothered by one thing: filling out a medical history form.

You know, I can list my meds, I can give contact information, all that stuff I know, I can fill in. Even most of the surgeries and immunizations... well, the major ones.

Not a problem, right?

Until I reach the half-page section titled "Family History".

Tens of checkboxes for various conditions from depression to heart disease, and a number of things you really wouldn't ordinarily think about. After all, your parents are your parents, they fed you, clothed you, took care of you when you were sick, and you don't think about the genetics of the situation.

Obviously, when they thought about this form, they didn't think about it, either. It just doesn't come up, I guess, but I think it's a potentially interesting issue to explore.

So I just scrawled: "Unknown -- Adopted!" across the checklist.

I'm off to bed, now.

Oh, and the person I saw said that even though my sleep schedule is way off, at least it's consistent.

Good night!

Overthinking

I think I'm overthinking this whole school thing and psyching myself out of just doing it.

Sometimes I hate being a compulsive worrier.

I need to suck it up, and just do it.

I mean, isn't life all about facing your fears, and proving, if only to yourself, that they're stupid silly fears?

ETA: Apparently, I should just stop thinking.