Whoa. Just... whoa.

Part of what triggered this episode is the Garrido case. The other part was this conversation at Change.org.

I'm in the process of getting help, and hoping that I can return to some semblance of normalcy -- whatever that is -- soon.

I Need Help [Potential triggers]

If you're a member of my close family reading this, yes, I should have told you sooner. I shouldn't have just kept it locked inside.

My ex abused me. Verbally, emotionally, physically... and I realized, sexually, as well. I won't go into detail, here, because I'm on the edge as it is, and cannot handle it.

Over the past couple of days I've run into several "triggers" -- things that bring back the damage he did, bring back the feelings I thought I'd managed, bring back issues that I pushed down and never dealt with. And these were MAJOR triggers, for me.

I was already in what I call a "blah" phase before that. And now... now I'm feeling somewhat suicidal. I can't even sort out my emotions right now, but, I'll try.

I'm angry. At him. At the "law enforcement" around here. At myself.

I feel so helpless. Hopeless. Don't even want to get out of bed for a cigarette.

I'm tired.

Tired of having to wonder, "is he going to be out there?" "Is he lurking in the bushes over there?" "What was that noise?"

Tired of being paranoid.

Tired of being SCARED.

Tired of not being able to trust.

And tired of putting on a brave front for the benefit of my family and my friends.

I'm just... so tired of it all.

I've lost interest in everything. I do mean everything. Nothing's enjoyable. All I'm doing anymore is sleeping.

I'm tired of holding it all in. Tired of having to be strong.

I'm tired of being alone, terrified to let anyone in.

I'm tired of the depression. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of jumping at every noise, and reacting violently to unexpected touch. (Sorry about that, Mom.) I've had to tell Mom to not gesture near my face, but can't explain why -- I know why it makes me nervous, but I cannot tell her the reasons. Neither she, nor Dad would be able to handle it, and I don't want to cause them more stress.

The only solace I get is in sleep. I just... want to go to sleep, and not wake up. But I'm scared to do that, too. Scared I'll fail, just like I fail at everything else.

I wanted to go back to school. I still WANT to. But what's the point? What the fuck is the point, if I'm going to be a miserable depressed scared-shitless wreck that can't function?

I... I... I need help. Serious HELP.

Mom, Dad, Angela... if any of you are reading this, I never meant to deceive you. I needed time to process this myself, and didn't want to dump all of my mixed up emotional shit on you guys.

Review: Irritating Stick

(click for larger image)

SYSTEM: PSX

Yes, this is a real game. It really is. Seriously. GameFAQS confirms it.

No, I'm not sure what the point of it is, but it sure is... irritating. It's quite pointless, really, guiding a stick through what seems to be a race course, and more difficult than you'd think. Yes, really -- I didn't even make it past the first course.

10 for originality, 10 for difficulty, 0 on gameplay. (In short, it's unique, but it sucks.)

I Don't Know What To Say....

This article has me with face in hands, giggling like a madwoman and cursing at the idiocy of some people.

MOUNT VERNON, Wash. A northwest Washington man is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in the leg while hunting an opossum that had been snatching his chickens.

(source: Chicken Owner Shoots Own Leg While Hunting Opossum)

Mount Vernon: the Deep South of the Northwest.

Y'all come back now, y'hear....

Demotivators!

It's time for something a little a lot less serious.
(Finally looks the way I wanted it to look!)

It's, what, the 23d century, or something, and on a starship of several hundred people, there is only one restroom. You'd think they'd have planned a little better than that, amirite?

Okay, so this last one is almost blasphemous, but seriously, he was always going around poking at dangerous animals!  [bad Aussie accent] "This is one of the most venomous snakes in the world; it looks pissed off -- I'm going to pick it up!"[/bad Aussie accent]

Overthinking

I think I'm overthinking this whole school thing and psyching myself out of just doing it.

Sometimes I hate being a compulsive worrier.

I need to suck it up, and just do it.

I mean, isn't life all about facing your fears, and proving, if only to yourself, that they're stupid silly fears?

ETA: Apparently, I should just stop thinking.

Back To School... Maybe

I want to go back to school.

But I'm scared. Not of going back, per se, but of failing. Again.

And yet, I need to go back, complete my education, and get a job. It's almost impossible to get by on $675.00 a month.

And even if it's a shit job, even if it's like, two hours, four days a week, it's something. It's paid work, and at this point, anything helps.

New Blog is NEW!

Hello and Welcome!

I'm in the process of moving from LiveJournal to Blogger, this may take a while, so please bear with me. (For anything prior to this post, feel free to visit my LiveJournal.

The title comes from a Metallica song, "My World", and a bit of LOLspeak. I turned, "It's my world you can't have it" into "It's my world (Can't has, not yours)."