29 August 2009

I Need Help [Potential triggers]

If you're a member of my close family reading this, yes, I should have told you sooner. I shouldn't have just kept it locked inside.

My ex abused me. Verbally, emotionally, physically... and I realized, sexually, as well. I won't go into detail, here, because I'm on the edge as it is, and cannot handle it.

Over the past couple of days I've run into several "triggers" -- things that bring back the damage he did, bring back the feelings I thought I'd managed, bring back issues that I pushed down and never dealt with. And these were MAJOR triggers, for me.

I was already in what I call a "blah" phase before that. And now... now I'm feeling somewhat suicidal. I can't even sort out my emotions right now, but, I'll try.

I'm angry. At him. At the "law enforcement" around here. At myself.

I feel so helpless. Hopeless. Don't even want to get out of bed for a cigarette.

I'm tired.

Tired of having to wonder, "is he going to be out there?" "Is he lurking in the bushes over there?" "What was that noise?"

Tired of being paranoid.

Tired of being SCARED.

Tired of not being able to trust.

And tired of putting on a brave front for the benefit of my family and my friends.

I'm just... so tired of it all.

I've lost interest in everything. I do mean everything. Nothing's enjoyable. All I'm doing anymore is sleeping.

I'm tired of holding it all in. Tired of having to be strong.

I'm tired of being alone, terrified to let anyone in.

I'm tired of the depression. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of jumping at every noise, and reacting violently to unexpected touch. (Sorry about that, Mom.) I've had to tell Mom to not gesture near my face, but can't explain why -- I know why it makes me nervous, but I cannot tell her the reasons. Neither she, nor Dad would be able to handle it, and I don't want to cause them more stress.

The only solace I get is in sleep. I just... want to go to sleep, and not wake up. But I'm scared to do that, too. Scared I'll fail, just like I fail at everything else.

I wanted to go back to school. I still WANT to. But what's the point? What the fuck is the point, if I'm going to be a miserable depressed scared-shitless wreck that can't function?

I... I... I need help. Serious HELP.

Mom, Dad, Angela... if any of you are reading this, I never meant to deceive you. I needed time to process this myself, and didn't want to dump all of my mixed up emotional shit on you guys.

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