13 November 2013

Depression and Anger

Perhaps the hallmark of this sort of anger, like the intense forms of irritability, fear or despair, is that they perpetuate themselves. After a while, they simply take over. You’re raging, irritable, intensely anxious or despairing for no apparent reason. Or if there is a reason at the beginning, the distorted emotions keep going without letup. They have a life of their own.
--- From Depression and Anger: A Destructive Partnership

So... this struck a nerve.

How many times have I screamed "I'M NOT ANGRY", when, to all outward appearances, I've gone right off the fucking rails into Angryville?

How many times has my anxiety manifested as HULK SMASH?

I can't even count the number of times I've just straight up snapped at people for no reason beyond "you are existing in my space". (It's so, so very stupid of me, I know!)

All that, and it turns out to be my own fear, insecurity, and anxiety masquerading (quite effectively!) as anger.

I'm not angry.

I'm fucking scared and overwhelmed and (re)acting on pure instinct -- and I end up angry and frustrated at myself for not being able to just "snap out of it".